Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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