Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
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My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
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I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.