You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
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When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
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Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night