The maid of honor just puked.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
