I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
