I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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