Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
