don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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