he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
