Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
