Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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