my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
