ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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