Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
