i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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