also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
