OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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