I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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