I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
