I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
