She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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