My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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