the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
