her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Oh god it's open bar.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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