He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
