I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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