she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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