my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Dear god my vagina.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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