i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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