I can text with my tongue
My Higher Power is John Stamos
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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