I just cut my nipple shaving
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
She bit a glass in half.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
