Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
