Umm I'm too high to move.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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