so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Actions speak louder than pants.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
