I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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