i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
