please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
