New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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