I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
