Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
