did you get engaged???
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
