So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
