not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
