Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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