I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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