He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
