I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
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