is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So vagazzling was a success
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
