she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
