Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I enjoy the company of your penis
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
