He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
