Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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