Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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