billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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