i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
