whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
