i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
